You’re Nowhere, Man.

Sure, there was a time when the 404 page was a happening place. It was hip, artsy, just a little bit edgy, but with great access to the side menu and close to the homepage. They were putting up funny videos, goofy images of, like, what if your computer screen was literally broken, or some kind of cheeky play on the classic “Error 404 Page Not Found.” It all felt so fresh, so original. We were pioneers in uncharted territory. We were gods and this was our promised land. It was like we could do no wrong. People were clicking broken links and mis-typing URLs like it was going out of fashion.

Then it did go out of fashion. The 404 page went the way of the video rental store or bookstore or the bicycles that had one big wheel in the front and a tiny one in the back. People stopped caring about 404 pages. They thought “who cares, most people will never see it and if they do, they’re just going to push the back button.” And you know what? They were right.

Sure, there were some stragglers who wanted to remain. They had hung their hat on the error 404 and were too stuck in their ways to return to the old ways. You can still see them from time to time, pretending like things hadn’t changed. Delusional. It’s depressing.

I don’t know how you got here, but you’d best not stay. You don’t want to wind up among the rejects and the loners who call this place home. What about me? Well I don’t have a choice. You’ll leave and hopefully never find your way back here. But if you do, I’ll be here to give you the same talk––the same talk I give every unfortunate sucker who happens by here.

Get going now. Go home.